Thursday, July 27, 2006

Sports Junk

JLO has started Guys weekend by insulting HOW so nothing has changed.. If HOW is offended with his new name I am sure it will never be repeated again. IJ as the name implies (introverted J) has asked that he not be introduced here but allowed to be in the blog and guys weekend without being officially acknowledged (PLEASE CLOSE THE WINDOW).. I don't think I will welcome the guys of GW unless they would like to be lambasted like HOW.

Vikes
This is going to be odd year.. The preseason isn't going to tell you anything other than if this rookie quarterback can play at all. I really think Childress is an arrogant control freak he has hired a bunch of young guys without any experience at all so no one can question is ability .. He does nothing in the draft and then selects a project at QB even though there was 3 potential star qb's available when you have a guy at 38 in that position.. He thinks he can coach anyone which will be his downfall.. The vikes are really going to be lacking speed on both sides of the ball.. They have Williamson with speed at WR but nothing like Bennet and Moss and Daunte on offense.. We don't have a shutdown corner ma I hate that term winfield is a great tackler but not a great cover guy. And we have some very average running back.. Unless this kid from Iowa is a playa the vikings will have a tough time on defense with the lethargic guys they have at the line backer position since this scheme relies on a great athlete at that position. All that said the division is weak and the vikes will be 9-7 to 10-6.. I am going to blog a lot about the vikes most of which will be negative which is just my way of softening the blow when the vikes play poorly..I am such a vikes rube I would kill for them to make a super bowl and haven't missed watching a game in a long time…

Twins
Can they keep doing this? It has been a great summer of watching them turn a young team into a contender.. I have enjoyed this season as much as 86 and 87.. Honestly I wouldn't be real upset if they didn't make the playoffs but baseball is such a marathon and it just doesn't get better than this in the regular season.. What is everyones opinion should they bring Garza.. Will they try and get Soriano .. Is Torii done as twin.. Why can't they unload Lohse..

PUPS
SW sent me this on the pups first rounder.. Nothing but good about this guy..
" Randy Foye did nothing to make me regret saying the Hawks will rue the day they passed him by for Shelden Williams. Foye averaged about 26 in Vegas while essentially toying with the field of NBA wannabes (Brandon Roy did the same). I like the Hawks' signing of Speedy Claxton, but Foye's going to be dynamite. He and Joe Johnson would've been a backcourt to beware, and while neither one's a point, both are combo enough that they could've played together.

Speaking of Foye, I like the offseason Minnesota has had, which means that you can ignore all the KG trade rumors. He'll give it a go with Foye and Mike James before demanding a move. If Foye's ready to step in and average 16 off the bat, the T-Wolves could return to the postseason, though the West is deeper than Donald Trump's pockets. "


SWAINT OUT

Let me Bore You

Had a long boring Day Yesterday

My son had his tonsils and adenoids taken out yesterday.. Everything went well expect we are going to have a pretty sick kid trapped in our house over the next few weeks. So I won't be missing any Twins games soon.. Wow are they fun to watch right now.. I don't think they are better than the sox but I do think they have more confidence than the sox.. It is like they expect to win even though they are counting on bartlett to hit a 3 run dinger.. Johan doesn't seem quite right yet but he is a smart pitcher that is winning without his A stuff.


Ok.. So I shouldn't do this but it is my blog So my son comes out of surgery in this new Out patient special surgery place where they stack up patients like cord wood and knock the procedures out all at the same time using the same process.. It is really hard to feel like you are important when they refer to you as parent a6559 in outpatient area 63a but it works and the care seems to be good. Anyway I am sitting there and should be just thinking about comforting my son but I can't stop listening and looking at all the situations around me.. So I will just tell you one of them because I just thought I would let you get into what goes through my head on a daily basis..

I give these people around me names so that it helps me with my internal story that I generate for them. So gramma Esther has just cataract surgery on her eye and is sitting there with her son Kenneth..(That is na ame I reuse since it gives me the creeps and you wonder when the kid moves from being called Kenny to Ken and finally Kenneth.. Well I think this guy has skipped all those steps and was just called Kenneth by his mom since he wet his pants at the church Christmas musical..age somewhere between 3 -19) Well Kenneth is wearing the perquisite clothes off man living with his mom at the age of 43.. He has black sweat pants and a red and black "golf shirt" (Kenneth has never played golf as you can assume his days are spent working at the shinders downtown and brushing Esther's hair before she goes to sleep) his hair had the look of 10 yr old kid that took a bath the night before and got on the bus the next day looking like his head was lopsided.. (It is not easy being me) So as the doctor is describing what he needs to do to care for his Mom's surgery Kenneth nods and pretends he cares about his mother's well being even though he is still calculating how many more years he is going to be hit with the same hair brush when he hits a snarl.. Cut to me trying to focus on how son's doing he is a little sleepy but still as a parent you still worry when you can't seem to help your kids.. Esther blurts out did you right that down.. Can you get the Car started it is getting hot out there… Did you call Aunt blah blah and tell her that I am ok.. Kenneth is just hoping the meds will make here sleepy so he can get back to being Ksnizzel wacking homies on EverQuest.. I could go on but it really scares me that I need this to get through the day…


JLO IJ who should we introduce next..

HeavyDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
OUT
posted by heavyd at 1:10 PM

3 Comments:
JLO said...
D,

We don't know IJ yet...why don't you do the honors...

JLO

1:44 PM
How said...
So many GW gents to introduce and only 1 week to the big event. I haven't read through more than a couple of days worth of ramblings so far, but here's a few that I haven't seen come up yet. Drumroll please.... In random order:


HOW IS AN IDIOT XXXX WILL BE USED IN PLACE
Schpeedy
Dock Boy (You know who you are!)
XXXX World (we'll have to call him this year since he can't attend)
Trappy (or is it 7/8th's?) HE IS M5
Oak Tree
Gentile (I know you prefer HeavyD, but that doesn't have its origins in GW and all of these names must have some type of beginning there!)
Coonie (I think that's right?)
Low-Sack(This has morphed to XXXX Low, but Low Sack was the true original)
J-Bird (you now refer to him as IJ, but that has nothing to do with Guy's Weekend)
XXXXXX (I got nothing)

Peace!! How

7:12 PM
JLO said...
D,

Think you need to work with McKack a bit re his opsec on the 1MC...furthermore, as a point of clarification, McKack seems to be rejecting his new identifier...so...I think, particularly given his akward clarification of GW names and their origins, which if he had actually read two days worth of postings, should have made it abundantly clear that such things were strictly verboten, you might re-introduce McKack (or just Kack for short) in your own dynamic way...and then press on with intro's of the rest of the GW posse...just a suggestion from a former Alpha...

JLO

P.S. Mr. Mckack...

I obviously have no issue with us (GW posse) and our use of creative nomenclature for each other...I do however, have concerns that some anonymous C++ - Java Script weenie from Bangladesh might horne in on our thing, and start throwing names around like he actually knows something...just saying..perhaps for not...

T minus 8 and counting...

9:47 AM

Monday, July 24, 2006

Too Dumb to Change Welcome McCACK

Apparently the audience has reached more than 3 people which was the original audience for this blog.. IJ has been berating me for my content in the blog.. Apparently I make too many jokes about my weight and bald head.. Maybe I should freshen it up and talk about other things like the new guthrie opening or Hezbollah or some nice recipes for zucchini (Wait a minute that might be a good idea) or the trials and tribulations of raising kids in today's society.. No not here not ever.. .This is going to be the same boring drivel that it started out as and will continue to be.. Maybe I should start rereading the things I spew out of my keyboard maybe I could even have an original thought every once and awhile.. Maybe I could be happy and content and maybe I could go through an entire day without taking in 4000 calories (There I go again) .. It is what it is..

There has been some complaints about not being invited to guys weekend.. This is an old school group of my high school classmates and a rich single that gives us someone to tell us stories about what our life might be if we where all weighed 70 lbs less (There I go again) and where wealthy without children.. (Perhaps a heavyd blogging weekend is in order) ..

Another Bus trip
FT and I rode the melting pot bus on Friday afternoon.. Well 4 nationalities into the ride I see a young want to be ghetto pregnant girl on the front of the bus confronting the bus driver.. (You know the type waving here hand like a sista even though she is as white as kevin mchale and doing "OHH NO YOU DININT JUST SA DAT TO ME" "I WILL HIT YOU UPSIDE YOUR HEAD YOU MF B%^$TCH") Well even FT notiecs this event after he cases the bus for the opera man ("PLEASE CLOSE THE WINDOW") .. Well too make this short the bus driver calls the police and doesn't acknowledge the crazy women raising here purse to hit the driver.. As luck would have it the bus driver finally has to let this lunatic of the bus and after 5 minutes of waiting for the police to arrive FT and I decide to get off the bus.. I am not kidding we step off the bus and the driver takes off. I am little swassy and FT is being his usual cool self by opening up his laptop and searching for open wifi connections.(he was unable to achieve a signal due to his ). I am stuck having to talk to this angry chick for the next 20 minutes waiting for another bus to arrive.. Oh and while we are standing there A kid rides by on his bike pretty close and this chick you remember is pregant screams at this kid like she is going to fight him.. So I was pretty comfortable. Sometimes I wonder why everything in politics,tv,movies is so dumbed down.. This answered the question for me..

Movies
IJ and where desperate too se a good film so we looked at the current stuff out there.. So there is some movies that you just can't see with another guy. Like any movie with shirley Mclaine or Meryl Streep.. So we through out Devil Wears Prada .. You wouldn't have to be gay to enjoy this but it would help. Clerks 2 I would have seen but IJ hates Kevin Smith.. This went on and on and we actually considered the m.night shalom or whatever move chicks under the pool or whatever.. The reviews where so bad that we just stomach the eight bucks for it..
We decided that we should see the my girlfriend is a super hero or whatever.. We just couldn't do it.. THERE IS NOTHING OUT THERE..
So we went to blockbuster and rented The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada .. it’s a Tommy Lee Jones movie that he directed.. Its got the sharp shooter from private ryan pepper or something… (This guy is weird actor but he did a good job in this) The movie is shot really cool and gives you kinda of cool new look at the countryside in southern Texas and mexico.. The story is pretty simple and they don't really spell anything out for you but it really worked for me.. If you want a good rental I would check this out.. I give it 3 baldies out of 4..


Sports
The Vikes season is getting closer.. Let me prep everyone cover 2, red zone, its about getting better everyday, Runs a tight ship, the offense starts up front, Brads won a superbowl before, great team guy, yards after catch, plays within himself, okk that is enough.. Twins man Liriano was just nasty in the first 4 innings this guy could be a CY young contender.. This is too long today..


How
How called me this morning and is dying for the intro.. Holler JLO..

THE ONE THE ONLY under his pen name (heavyJ)

First...How is as solid as any of the GW brothers. I've known this guy for 26 years, played H.S. football with him, been in a serious car accident with this guy, hunted deer with the man (when we shoot together at a deer, How always makes the kill shot, and I usually miss...according to HOW), attended numerous sporting events with him (usually after putting up with the obligatory dad's gas credit card joke and him then coming through with great seats for me and the gang), buried a friend's wife with him, had a couple of interesting fights with him, christened children with him, best man in his wedding (he...the best man in mine)...all around scrappy little Irish bastard with a heart of gold, and a face that's a cross between Brad Pitt and Dr. Cornelius from "Planet of the Apes". The only thing bad I've got to say about How is his pathetic nickname. Hoooowwww?...come on!!!...needs to be something more reflective of his Irish and Simeon roots...I'm proposing "McKack"...a little bit of charm from the Emerald Isle, a little bit of lice picking, tree clinging, plantain eating, prank playing monkey from the plains or jungles, or where ever "McKacks" reside in Africa. McKack (notice also how the first three letters bear some resemblance to his real surname) is a real stand up guy, who barely takes the time to sit down...he's always on the go...I'm proud to introduce...MR. MCKACK!!!


heavyD
I really enjoy the softening of the person up with the hugs and kisses before stabbing him in the chest.. Well DONE.

Portly out..

Friday, July 21, 2006

Metro

Ok..What is wrong with the Cheese Cake factory..
I have been ridiculed by FT for meeting with my homies at Cheese Cake Factory and having dinner. Apparently it is being too metro to sip Mimosas with a few of my close friends and share cheesecake.. Yeah he is right but if I have to choose between looking a little light and eating something good food will always win.. (Hence the name)

I am actually getting through another book and am wondering what suggestions people have as well as there review of the book.. I like complex stories with a small amount of characters.. I find that if a book has too many names I lose track of who is what.. Damn I wish I wasn't so dumb..

Anybody not from h2o please skip.
Let me introduce somebody else from guys weekend.. HOW.. How should I start.. Yuck that didn't work.. The facts are all according to me so when I am wrong it another case of me being dumb not intentional (read JLO post). Supreme athlete marathon runner nope.. Getting knocked out on film at Holy Angels naw too easy.. Falling asleep during conversation with the brother J's father nope.. Bringing vendors to a friends cabin no that's just sad.. The hair brush incident no that my reinforce the metro thing.. No.. I can't do this justice.. I am going to give this piece up to JLO.. JLO please introduce the one the only HOW -- I will insert it here---

Sports
SW sent me this article from espn page 2
"5. Joey Harrington is going to beat out Daunte Culpepper by midseason.
I've never been a Daunte fan. Never. I was irate when the Vikings drafted him just months after Jeff George had a great season. But it's deeper than my allegiance to George.
Daunte is not a student of the game. He doesn't read defenses. He's going to get exposed in Miami because his mobility is gone and he's going to be forced to stand in the pocket and make reads. It won't be pretty. "
It really shows how one great athlete can change the NFL game.. Randy Moss in his prime made being a quartback so simple( I don't if he lost his mojo or what but he looked slow and normal last year).. He streched the defense made the reads so simple if the saftey went with him through to the reciever that was singled up on that side of the field. Daunte Culpeeper is horrible under pressure and was such a tremedous athlete that he never truly understood how to read and react to defenses he usually just let his ability carry him. You think about Kubel for the twins is having problems with his knees over a year later and he is younger and lighter and know one is hitting him.. Daunte is a long way away from healthy and when healthy he is a great athlete but not a great quarterback.. No.. I am not a Brad Johnson fan.. I think he is a great guy but he is not going to carry this team he hopefully stays healthy and completes the simple passes that the Philly offense requires.. (By the way I can't stand McNabb) Even though I am Vikes fan I cannot deny that Favre is an Amazing talent that although incredibly dumb is one of the best throwers to ever play the game.. And he is one tough SOB.. If I had to win one guy with one guy in his prime.. I would choose Dan Marino.. Don't hate just my opinion please give me yours..

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Welcome JLO

jottings
A couple of items of note from yesterday.. While FT and I entered the boat.. (I made sure we where on opposites sides of the boat that reminds me of Montgomery J who was recently on a cruise in the Caribbean SHip perhaps he should position himself amidships on the boat. ) FT decides on a course of action to meet new people from the company.. (We where all given two drink tickets) He says to me "Hey let's try and get to the alcoholics first" I am dumb so it took me awhile but it came to me he could pick out the people drinking soda and somehow make idle chit chat and bring up the fact they where not drinking to lure the alcoholics into giving him the tickets to not make an issue of them not drinking.. (Disgusting but a good plan) but as usual the privileged people like FT don't pay anything.


JLO Blog
JLO Your use of the English language is loquacious and I marvel at the ease that it spews from your keyboard. I am not worthy of posting with you on the same blog/server/service/subnet/Uunet/internet.. My nascarish blog would be humbled by you and your vast vernacular.. That said the term for Poly-blog is a team blog and it is possible at this site.. I would be more than happy to turn this blog into one of those but it might risk losing the personal Heavydness of the blog and people would wonder when they start seeing articulate posts using appropriate syntax and spelling as well as proper use of the English languageƂ… So send me your posts and I will post them with my post for the day or on its own..


Welcome JLO
I think I need to appropriately introduce JLO.. I don't know the origin of the LO part of his name since it has become apart of his name like kleenex is to tissue or rotund one is to me but if he would like to post on where that came from I think it would help us truly understand JLO.. Where do I start since I have known JLO for so long.. He is an avid hunter (not really but it brings up a great story that kinda sums up JLO). JLO was 17 or so and I was 15 at the time (this is important) and we had duck hunted a few times (I was dumber then I hate duck hunting now) without much luck.(That could be due to the fact that we never wore camouflage and sat in a silver fishing boat without any cover) other than irritating every duck hunter within range.. Well JLO and myself had heard about people that would do something called pond jumping (which really meant that you drove around and looked for a small body of water and would sneak up on it and jump the ducks) well JLO and I start trying this without any luck at all but we keep seeing these recurring them where when we would jump the ducks they would circle and fly to this one general area so after a few hours of this we thought we would try and go to this area.. Well as we approached the duck gathering point we realized that we where entering a wild life conservation area where bird watchers and the like would observer waterfowl.. Well we decided to go in and see what was in there.. It was unbelievable there where ducks all over this pretty small pond/swamp area right next to the road. Well we smiled at the people looking at the fowl and jumped back into our car and continued to pond jump.. Well are luck was worse than before and we hadn't fired a round in a few hours and the sun was setting quickly.. I am not sure who thought of it first since we where both out of the same cloth at this point of our lives.. But we quickly came up with a plan.. We drove by the "viewing area" again and noticed no one was parked there any longer..Well JLO being the Alpha that he is and will always be had the insight to pull in and convince me that it was a brilliant idea to see if he could get a shot before anyone saw us..(Wow we where idiots)

I don't want to change this story but I think I said that maybe we shouldn't but I am not sure.. But I was not smart enough to convince JLO otherwise.. Instead I jumped behind the wheel of the getaway car.(Note it always the dumb guy in the get away car) which was our first offense since I was 15. JLO( I am not sure of all the facts on this one.) either points the gun out the window or stands in the open door of the car and readies himself) My job is to make sure no one sees us.. This isn't good we have underage driver behind the wheel of a car parked at a wild life observatory and I am supposed to be looking for people.. What would we do if someone pulled up (This is embarrassing I would kill my kids for doing this) we where all in as soon as JLO stood there in his full metal jacket.. Well JLO picked out a flock of ducks (Damn it Dad I said flock.. That is an inside 20 yr old joke please ignore) and fired I am not sure how many times now or if it was only once but it scared the death out of me and the thousands of ducks which immediately flew up.. JLO hopped in the car and we speed away hoping noticed the black cloud of fowl that was flying up behind us as we sped out on the highway with unlicensed driver behind the wheel.. (I am glad they didn't have cameras then) I am quite certain having hunted with JLO a few times and given the circumstances that no feather was touched that day.. (no fowl was injured during the telling of this story).. Again JLO my facts are almost always incorrect but they are my own so if I am telling this incorrectly I can't apologize because that is how I remember it.. But I think when you read JLO comments and posts from this point forward it will give you a frame reference that although I am still that dumb JLO was once as dumb..

I am hungry
FAT OUT

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I got Nothing

I was out yesterday afternoon

We had company sponsored event which consisted of 100 "cool" IT people riding a casino boat on the Missippi River drinking and eating.. It was a good idea people that are not psychotic (Not good for me). I just do don't do well when I have to mingle with strange people.. I don't know if I smell (It was a Hot day and I had to walk about a mile to get the boat so well take that as Yes) or if I just look dumb (No I am dumb .. Read all previous posts) or what but everyone gives me the same bus/airplane "hope that fat guy doesn’t sit next to me" look when I approach them. Refer to Picture.. I think the Mr. Clean look is working for me.. But that bozo the clown look wasn't working either.. I still need to lose the side of beef that is my upper torso to maybe that would help . Or Maybe just like this blog is showing.. I bore people much as I bore myself.. Ohh The chicken on the Boat was good see now that doesn't help..

Guys Weekend
JLO,M5,IJ Help me out here.. Is there anything we need to due before guys weekend.. BS has a Volleyball net that would be really nice.. Can someone locate a good adult wiffle ball bat? Are we doing something other than eating drinking and wondering who can see there feet now.. JLO supreme alpha http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alpha_male please give me some guidance..

Sports
Twins are playing unbelievable with the lineup they are throwing out there. It just proves baseball is about pitching.. Liriano is just nasty but I really think he is going to hurt his arm with all the hard sliders he throws. Please move Mauer to Third pencil him in for the next 15 years there.. Twolves are still trying to unload Jaric but they might have to throw in another draft choice to get rid of him.. Can you believe it that will be two 1's for him.. Its going to be a long winter.. Vikes are still undefeated. People are insane about the NFL nothing compares to it.. I will blog on that before the season begins..

That’s it
I am fat

Monday, July 17, 2006

Flag Waving

Hot Weekend
Yeah it was pretty hot this weekend.. (It is July.. ) Well our hamlet has decided to carry on the tradition of torturing the few un athletic teenagers from the surroungind communites by dressing them up in Nut Cracker uniforms and having them hold a hot piece of metal in 90 degree heat. While my wife carried on the traditon of dragging me to this ordeal every year.. I go know without a wimper.. Yet another step closer to being a complete Eunuch http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eunuch… (Please water the plant ..wow you would have to read this everday to get that one..) So as I sat there for the better part of 5 hours in the hot sun watching politicians stick stickers on my children and trying to figure out why it is ok for my wife to now cheer for my kids when they pick up hot tootsie rolls as they slide across the pavement that two minutes early where covered in Horse shit from the float ahead carrying the "big girls" from the farm community has chosen to honor there town by dressing them up in red nylon dresses and plunking them down on a plastic waterfall and have the people in the crowd pretend to smile as the sweat pools under there arms approach the size of a frisbee are pulled by clydesdales with legs slightly larger than Miss congenitality.. Just Stop it .. As I watch the third band go by I notice that when the flag people (What the heck are they people that just like spin flags what they can't play an instrument but they can spin a rainbow flag in a perfect arc..If my kids do that am I supposed to watch it..) go by one of them is a slightly overweight guy dressed in the same frilly jump suit as the girl flag twirlerers. I could care less if he is straight or not but I just can't get over where he could get this jump suit.. Mom can you sow up this pink and lavender jumpsuit up for me so I look like the other girls in the group… So I laughed and was given the dirty look by my wife) Cut to construction site : So Jim whats junior up to now he is pretty good sized kid is he playing football or hoops.. No. he decided to dress up in a polyester pink and lavender jump suit(with racing stripes) and carry a silver flag and wave it a perfect circular patterns in front of old people and kids chewing fece laden tootsie rolls. Ohh I bet your proud.. Life is cruel..

M5 IJ Boat

M5 was nice enough to give IJ his wife and my Wife a day on the St. Croix river.. It couldn't have been better other than I was short of new castles.. Didn't calculate bottles per lb correctly.. As we rode M5 30 ft phallic symbol down the river I couldn't help my self and I asked M5 if we could toss Heavy over board and pull him around the water in a small fatilla.. I was just thinking that I haven't been this comfortable in a long time when M5 decided he wanted to enjoy the fatilla as well and wreck my ride.. Well about 5 minutes of pulling M5 and myself through the water the little fatilla shattered due to M5's weight it couldn't have been me.. I will post some pictures while trying to spare any of you seeing me with my shirt off..


Movie
You Me and Dupree
It is what it is.. Kinda of cool premise but there was no chemistry between the characters.. Owen Wilson (The one with a Johnson for a nose) was pretty funny but he didn't have anybody to bounce the humor in like wedding crashers.. I will give this one baldy out of four and really should just be a rental..

A friend of mine sent me this.. Pretty well done review site..
http://www.joblo.com/

Friday, July 14, 2006

Denver J is out there

http://denverj1.blogspot.com/

DJ is who I consider the king of pop culture.. (Not Michael) If you want to know what is going on in the world this is your guy.. Who knows if he puts on a few lbs he might have a decent blog.. I will reference him and his blog often..

GO DJ Blog its your birfday..

D

Male Burka

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burqa
I can't think of a better solution to what my appearance has become.. It is perfect it would cover my humongous bald head it would mask my leean chins and with the flowing robe it might even hide cover my porcine shape.. And maybe with a little luck it will mask the fowl stench that is a byproduct of my eating habits.. It would really level the playing field out there for all guys.. You would really find out if women love guys for there personality yeah right.. I have been working the bald fat thing for years and I haven't really had the beat the women off of me with the stick.. Well maybe my wife but that is more of pity thing than anything. Or else kinda like when you go into the fridge looking for WD Coke to help wash down the lb of chocolate you are in the process of inhaling and you find out that the only thing in there is a caffeine free diet pepsi (why is this pop made.. No sugar buzz.. No caffeine Buz.. No Fiz.. I guess just helps ease the food down) but it is cold and it is in your fridge.. So when my wife opens the door to our bedroom and hopes for Brad Pitt and sees me it isn't what she really wanted but it is in her room.. You get the picture.. On second thought don't picture it if you are close to lunch time..
Can you play tennis in a burka..(no one could see your swass…) FT consider it..

DD update
DD had two hits (made contact with the ball and put into play) last night.. And according to my wife one of them would have been a real hit he was just too excited watching the ball to run real fast to first.. So that made my day..

Jottings
Almost made a fat guy puke last night.. There was this guy playing first for the other team that was biscuit shot of a double deuce (400) standing next to me last night when BS ran by.. He asked me when was the last time I shaved my head.. I came back with a pithy comment that I wish I could use Naire on my head like I do on my ass it seems to be smooth and silky.. The large one looked at me and said he wish he hadn't heard that.. He thought about it for a second and shook his head and looked and me and said Dude your really sick.. I appreciated that.. I am thinking of not playing for my softball team next they do not stock Newcastle at the bar.. I was soothed by BS paying for some Sam Adams.. Why does free beer taste better.

One one more thing DJ sent me this if are a fan of the office this is great and free..
WEBOFFICE

If anything they want me to post our review or make fun post a comment..

To clarify IJ Comment http://www.blackwagon.com/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/onesie_ramones_lg.jpg

I like the term fatsie. I am hoping it is not trademarked..

Heavy OUT

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Tennis Swuts

Well FT and I decided to play tennis this week since we are both in such great shape that the 90 degree should not affect us.. Well FT being from the privileged area of Minnesota I was assuming he was going to be "fabulous" tennis player if you know what I mean.. Well for some reason FT didn't own a racquet so I borrowed him an extra one.. Within the first 5 minutes of play the racquet was broken and we where off to purchase another one for himself.. So FT and I avoided his luxury late model foreign sedan and opted to drive in my car so that we wouldn't get our swuts on his seats..

Well after we had purchased the most expensive racquet that money could buy on a DINK IT salary.. (Around 50 bucks paid in 10 monthly installments) we began or "match". Well to describe what occurred on the "tennis" courts to be tennis would be a disaccredit to the sport.. After playing for 90 seconds I was swassy,swelly and had some pretty nasty swuts.. FT who apparently thinks it is appropriate to display his swelly in public took his shirt off and displayed his nauseating upper body and swipples..(but I think it allowed him to win a few games sort of the shock and awe factor) We had played just about 5 games when FT said "I know you have a lot of heart issues so if you die out here I win " I don't know why he thought since my bald egg looked very similar to an eggplant in shape and color… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Aubergines.jpg.. When all was said and done and FT was seeing double due to heat exhaustion and I was panting like I just walked a flight of stairs.. (yeah I am not in real good shape but it's steady since I am a the same level of exhaustion whether I take 1 step or run 3 miles "So I got that going for Me".. . ) The match ended and Tim decided that 15 lbs of fluid left on the court was enough for one day..


Movies
I finally watched Munich http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/munich/ well I think everyone should attempt to watch it for some historical knowledge of an event that I had seen glimpse of but really never knew what actually occurred should see it.. The only problem was I was left with same bit of clips and bits of information to go on.. I really wanted to like this movie but if anyone besides Spielberg had done this movie it would have never made the theaters.. This wasn't good filmmaking it was as scattered brained as this blog.. They assumed way too much and never gave the viewer anything to hold on to and really feel anything about.. The facts where all over the acting was minimal and I thought the sets and dialogue where weak and added nothing to these movie.. But it is Spielberg and he is just another plane than you (Yeah not the case on this one).. Whatever this movie could have been amazing story instead of some chopped up "cinematic scenes" that where so interesting and emotional.. I am dumb but this movie was a waste of my time.. .5 baldies out of 4.. 1 dollar at redbox was about right for this movie..

TV
DJ told me to watch the Dave Chappell show.. I watch one old and one lost episode from this season.. He is a funny guy but his humor is just a black version of "blue collar tv or whatever" it is pretty simple humor that is at time original but I just didn't laugh out load.. I will watch a few but I am still not sold on the best new comedian.. I do like his anger though..


Sports
If the nba has division for all guys under 6'4 we will be set.. I respect KG for quite a few things but I think it is pretty cool that he travels the world in the off-season instead of "Meloing" with his Boouys by the pool in latterdale.. He called Mike James from China.. I wonder if he sticks out there at all..

Hate the weight not the gain

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Just need to ramble today..

Sitting on the bus this morning a man was sitting directly across from me in the handicapped/too fat to squeeze into a normal seat section. This gentlemen teetered on the 5.5 bill range considering he was a good 6'5 and he was roughly twice my girth.. As he and I sweat like to fat chicks running after a sausage biscuit I noticed as he un wrapped a cold bevarage from his Paul Bunyan like backpack/lunch bag that he was drinking a 2 liter bottle of diet coke that looked like sippy cup in the hands of this giant. Now I don't this would make good material for coke commericial but it reinforced my belief that there is something in Diet beverages that seems to make the big bigger.. I mean who I am kidding when I order my cheesburger kicker to my Big Mac ohh and make sure I get a refil of my Diet Coke like that is helping curb the 750 extra calories I am consuming.. Can we lose the Diet infront of the name.. Maybe we should go with food something like food lube coke or WD40 coke because really that is really how it is being used we really are just using it to make the lard and starch fall into or stomach easier.. Wait a second I need to take a sip of FL coke before I eat my donut..

Some Recommondations from the J's
Per DJ I watched the free TV episode of Sunny in Phillly or something like plus some making of stuff that when along with it.. I think I get it and actually made me chuckle a few times.. It sort of a poor mans entourage where three losers own a bar and make fun of each other.. Not bad if you enjoy the guy humor and some original dialolgue. Per IJ I watched the Bono interview/tour of I think tanzania.. Bono is an intersting guy whose new sales pitch to save the people that are dying at an unbleivalble rate is very straight forward and really made me understand how he has sold Bush (Even though you can tell that he can't stand him) Gates and Buffet.. His idea is to make a investment in this country by assisting them and letting the world no that the US is understanding place that is only trying to help.. Which in turn will create this economy of people that will love the US and want to purchase or goods and services as well as planting a seed within the continent that this country has ties to the US and they are successful maybe we should rethink our hatred.. Nice cost effective way (Iraq is not cheap) of investing in a country that actually help us out in the long run instead of creating new ways to kill us.. Sorry the last part was my opinion..

Jottings
The wolves signed James.. The good news is they got they wanted..(Insert NBA Mangement here Can't believe he was still availabe to us) the bad news is that this orgainization doesn't know what they want or how they judge talent.. It was a move and I am ok with it… No Draft picks where used and someone else actually wanted him so that is good. If I can get SW and BS to send me an email I will post there thoughts on this as well.. SW give me the wolves starting lineup and tell me what you think they can do this year..

This is a two post day.. Still need to post about Tennis..

Large

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Post for JLO just because I enjoy his Comments

I love your comments and have passed them on to my co workers.. Being the wonderful parent that I am I try to evaluate a movie that I believe is borderline PG13(hence the rating) before I send my kids to that movie. That being said when IJ and myself attend a movie perhaps it is the lack of children and the abundance of Diet Coke and Pop Corn that makes the movie not only tolerable but a fun ride. Based on your recommendation I am going to see that movie.. But if it is a simplistic stab at Bush and his policies.. I am soo bored with that.. I really enjoy opinions that are not blindly put out there with a political agenda.. But If people quote FOX news or Rush I am probably going to disagree simply on what you term as a basis of fact.. I know you are closet Wellstoner and probably siding with the creator of the internet.. But there is no way that a Democrat or Republican is going to get my vote unless they bring something to the table other than the simplistic party lines that the Democratic party has put out there since Clinton.. The only reason people are voting for Republicans other than being simple are that the single issue voters (Bible Belt) will not vote for any leader based on those issues..


Ish no more politics in this blog just had to respond to JLO..

If JLO will let me I will do a brief welcome to the blog on JLO... And being the Alpha of all Alpha males for guys weekend I could dedicate a week of introducing all of the guys from guys weekend on the blog before guys weekend.. No Names will be usede except maybe HOW..

JLO you have the CON.. Can I or should I..

JLO being the porcine man that I am I believe I can still be titled heavyd..

PorcineD out..

Monday, July 10, 2006

Boring Post

Ok.. The "couples shower" took about 25 minutes.. But really it wasn't a bad trip although it was 12 hours of driving in a weekend..If you don't have an ipod this trip would make you buy one.. I was able to drift into sleep while listening to a little Steve Perry and wondering what my life has become some 20 years later..Thinking,wondering,half asleep turn the pod up louder to drown out some horrible kids movie playing in the background..Would I change anything I did or do something to alter what I have become at this point.. This gets a little deep so skip this next paragraph..

This is for me
Please SKIP

Wish I would have found out DD's illness sooner..Wish I could have told my brother that his life was going to be shortened if he didn't change something.. Wish I could have been a better parent when my kids where younger.. Wish I would have tried a different career.. Wish I could have had a career with less acronyms.. Wish that my wife would have traveled more.. You know what.. I really don't regret my decisions I have made or how I made them I never really made any decisions that I didn't think about and look at the ramifications of my decisions and how they would affect the people around me.. (Wish I didn't always do that).. I am still happy.. I am proud of my family and I wouldn't change a thing.. (I wish I could tell my big bro this because in the end I really just wanted to let him know how much he helped me along the way).. Sometimes you have people that are full of shit when they tell you to don't do what I do.. Do what is right for you and you alone.. My Big bro and I used to talk to each other about 3 times a week about life and what we would do if our roles where reversed in life because they where so different. He always questioned my decisions because he wanted to walk in my shoes to see what he would have done and to really look at what made me tick I tried but could never really understand his world and what made him tick.. I can't describe it.. We laughed at each other and about each other… But I knew deep down that if he didn't change something he was going to die.. But I was too selfish to tell him because I was worried that would betray the friendship we had and he would feel that I was judging his life.. Well the end result was that he never changed and we where close all the way to the end.. Was it the right move.. Probably not.. This is going to seem weird but I still talk to him… Man this is a long car ride..

Normal Stuff Again

Ok.. Back to the important stuff.. This weekend I played 30 holes of golf (First time this year) I played my usual bogey game so that really makes me annoyed that this "sport" I play I never really get better or much worse I am just constantly frustrated not bad for 100 bucks.. Any way the kids had a great time swimming at the country club and watching fireworks.. Living in a small town where nothing has changed in the last 50 years does have its advantages.. It was great to be a guy then.. Where your job consisted of mowing the lawn and playing golf on the weekends at the country club not a bad gig if you can get it.. I am done rambling.. And boring you all.. I am going to need blog about being a guy in today's society .. But I don't have the time today..


Movies
Pirates of the Caribbean 2
Deep was just so great again.. That character he plays is just fun to watch on the screen.. The special effects where outstanding..
I could make these reviews longer but it is really summed up quickly by putting movies in a categories.. This movie was to entertain only not a great not great acting but it was like a wild visual ride with some funny moments along the way.. A solid summer movie I give it 3 baldies.. Another note I am not going to have the kids see it.. A little too scary and few parts like a bird picking out the eyes of a corpse that wouldn't be good for them..

Walk the Line
I watched this on the pod.. Phoenix is just so good in this.. The music was solid.. I have watched this 3 or 4 times and just enjoy the movie more each time.. This is a simple story about the life of Jonny Cash but it is acted and told very well.. 3.5 baldies


Trying to lose weight.. Man that makes me hungry.. Why is that..

Heavy Out

Friday, July 07, 2006

Welcome FT and Bus Ride

Ohh getting ready for weekend 298 mi (about 6 hours 4 mins) each way..
I have my pod loaded with movies and I have a new book to read.. So I should be good to go..
Even though I knew I was going I still fought going which was dumb know my wife is pissed at me and I am still traveling 12 hours in a car with her this weekend.. When will I learn..


Bus
FT(Fat Tim a new character in this blog) FT is a washed up former athlete like myself that still believes he is afletic because he can still dunk the basketball while still maintaining his porcine shape. He has been given everything in life.. Grew up in an affluent western suburb where all the guys names are skip and blake and attended an expensive private college all expenses paid.. And now has acreage near the st. croix..



Well when FT and I arrived at the Bus stop we attempted to hurry to the back off the bus to take get the seats where FT could stretch his belly and long legs on the seats that face the isle.. I just face the isle due to the sheer volume of space that I occupy.. Well as we took a tour through most of the Hindu and Muslim states while looking for our spot. (Does it alarm anyone when people of middle eastern heritage carry large full backups (it is not lunch) on a bus for a 20 minute drive.. I am not profiling just stating that I am aware of the risk and apparently am ok with it. it was a nice run ). So FT grabs a seat on one side and I grab a few seats on the other side of the bus so we are facing each other trust me this is important to the story(Seriuosly when I sit I occupy a minimum of two seats.. ) Well I case the entire bus which is my normal activity(The next part really scares me about myself but its true) I have made up the life story of everyone around me and how they arrived on that bus this morning.. Well there is a man in his early 50's dressed in casual business attire sitting on the back seat of bus facing FT and he appears like a normal person who is wife stays with because her options are limited at this point in her life and he is tolerable but really a shell of his former self but is like a plant that has outgrown its usefulness but you keep it around because your used to it and it doesn't go outside of it's pot.(Damn I am weird) I examine this guy and notice that he is wrapping up his headphones and it appears he is winding them like he is trying to create the first giant ball of wire to match the twine guy in Darwin MN. http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/MNDARtwine.html..


Well I notice that and start thinking of ways to restrain this guy while maintaining an exit strategy for myself on the bus.. Well out of the blue and for no apparent reason this guy looks down at his paper and an operatic voice he sings out PLEASE CLOSE THE WINDOW.. It is so loud that FT eyes spring open and I can see his Flight or Fight reflexes have kicked in and he looks at me and I think he is going to yell out "Lets Roll" but I am thinking who is the guy talking to because FT and I are the only ones on the back of the bus that can even understand english and it is limited at best.. Well he lets another blast at an even greater volume PLEASE CLOSE THE WINDOW.. Now I am just a little bit uneasy but I am quite certain he will attack FT first and that will give me ample time to lunge across the isle and put this poor miserable creature out of his and wife's misery with a well placed forearm to the throat.. Well apparently this man is sick of being ignored at home and on the bus so he gets starts this guttural obscenity stream of NOW THAT I GOT YOU F*&*&ING ATTENTION YOU SOB'S AND BLAH BLAH.. I missed the last part as I was reaching for the string to ring the bus driver to stop so I could get off the bus..(I am real tough) As I scurried off the bus I was trying to calculate how many years it would be before I started singing out on the bus..
I think this blog is step 1..

In an operatic voice PLEASE READ MY BLOG
To steal a lyric




If someone stood up in a crowd

And raised his voice up way out loud

And waved his arm

And shook his leg

You'd notice him



If someone in a movie show

Yelled "fired in the second row,

This whole place is a powder keg!"

You'd notice him



And even without clucking like a hen

Everyone gets noticed, now and then,

Unless, of course, that personage should be

Invisible, inconsequential me!



Cellophane

Mister cellophane

Should have been my name !!!!

Mister cellophane

'cause you can look right through me

Walk right by me

And never know I'm there!



I tell ya

Cellophane

Mister cellophane

Should have been my name

Mister cellophane

'cause you can look right through me walk right by me

And never know I'm there. . .



Suppose you was a little cat

Residin' in a person's flat

Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?

You'd notice him



Suppose you was a woman wed

And sleepin' in a double bed beside one man for seven years

You'd notice him



A human being's made of more than air

With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there



Unless that human bein' next to you

Is unimpressive, undistinguished

You know who. . .



Should have been my name

Mister cellophane

'cause you can look right through me

Walk right by me

And never know I'm there

I tell ya

Cellophane

Mister cellophane

Should have been my name

Mister cellophane

'cause you can look right through me

Walk right by me

And never know I'm there

Never even know I'm there

Chicago Soundtrack Lyrics

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Artist: John C. Reilly Lyrics
Song: Mister Cellophane Lyrics



Heavy in IOWA out...

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Name 10,000 things I would rather do


This helped I looked at what we had to eat this weekend.. It calmed me..

Just a quick ramble today..

I have to go to IOWA to a couples shower.. Why why why..
Who makes this stuff up and why are they still alive.. I will need to add to this in the morning.. I am too angry to do this justice..

PHAT OUT

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

How many bottles per pound..

I am dead in the water today after the long weekend so this is going to be a slow ramble.. Well the weather could not have been any better and the beer any colder this weekend.. IJ and had our families at the cabin all weekend long.. To sum up the weekend I fashioned a WT version of a tow rope for the boat and pulled the kids on tube.. They had a blast while IJ and I struggled to make sure the rope didn't get caught in the prop.. It is fun to watch IJ in 90 degree heat wrestle with a wet rope and attempt to lift the kids in and out of the water without falling in himself.. Meanwhile I had to dodge all the Jet ski trying to jump the wake that we where creating and hopefully keep the idiots on the lake away from my kids if they feel off the tube.. Mission accomplished kids lived and IJ and I managed to lose 3lbs in sweat per hour.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newcastle_Brown_Ale
The good news is the stress of driving the boat and combating the 90 heat allowed me and IJ to put down a number of beers that truly amazed me.. It is hard to describe how good Newcastle really if you haven't had it please drink a cold one and you will understand this ramble.. Ohh it is a rich ale that doesn't fill you up and really allows you to drink plenty of them without feeling bloated. (I am already bloated looking but I don't enjoy the feeling of bloated). So each day after we where down fighting the boat,kid,wife, and we enjoyed more than a few cold Newcastle.. I won't call them beer because that just doesn't do them justice..

BS came up with his family on 3rd and told us that he would bring up some New Castle.. This is shouldn't be tough to calculate and since his wife and kids seem very bright so I assumed BS would have the wherewithal to calculatea how many bottle we would need for the day.. But his calculations made me seem bright and if you have had read any of these posts its easy to tell that is from true.. When you bring up bring New Castle for a day on the water and your friends are peanbutter sandwich short of 1/4 ton you should calacuate your bottles per lbs properly. Well apparently the people of Turtle Lake think England is town north Danbury that you get to by taking YY to AB and cross over to 41 15/16 street and hang a left on UU no W and it should be on the West side of Easbound county Road JM.. So we where unable to get any more New Castle other than two that BS brought for us to pour in an glass and share.. (hence the bitterness). Well other than the new castle fiasco the weekend was complete with BS and his great family..

Jottings
Gardy through the twins game last night.. You can't start that lineup and expect to beat a softball team.. Shannon Stewart is a very good hitter but his day's in the outfield have to be kept to a minumum.. And he should not be playing when Ford is playing center.. Maybe we need to pay hunter.. The outfield just isn't the same without him.. Tiffee is not a Major league talent bring somebody else up.. Wow is Justin Mornea hitting the ball hard it is fun to watch a power hitting in the Twins line up.. I thought he would take longer to develop I was wrong.. We have to pay Mike James more than the mid level exception and he is hated by his team in Toronto.. Is this sum weird joke where we are trying to field a team of guys under 6'3' what are they doing.. I know they are trying to listen to KG but scouting talent is not his job.. McFail is an idiot.. How good would Ben Wallace have looked with KG.. That was a good move by the Bulls maybe spent too much but he can guard anyone in the NBA…


Movies
Hey watched the missing on DVD it was pretty good western if you are looking for DVD this summer 2 out of 4 baldies.
Superman is good. It was a fun watch.. The story moved along nicely the affects where amazing and it seemed fresh and new.. If you have kids they will love it.. 3 out 4 baldies.(If your bald you will get a lot of looks while going to this movie man I hate being bald).


IT is What IT IS