So the big bald heavy is in Germany again. I started to feel like I had the world by the balls for a minute but as usual life corrects me and brings me down to earth. As I write this my heart is as heavy as it as ever been but I just need to blog something and get my mind off of it. I don’t want to go into a ton of details but D is getting teased and embarrassed at school and is acting out at home so it makes life difficult for my entire family and especially my wife since I am unable to help. I really don’t give much help when I am there anyway but at least I cold be there for my wife.. But oh well such is life and it motivates me to blog so here we go.
This is a really filthy post so skip if you need to ..
So as I have stated several more times than I can count (I have to stop at 21) I have bit of a problem with my body functions. Wait a minute I have to comment on this before I rip on myself again.. I am sitting here watching the sunrise over the steeples in this city but between me and this view is this little suave Frenchmen. It is an odd office here very open but you can’t see who is looking at you at any given point.. (I wonder when they will ever get over this whole European styling thing it must be just a fad.) (Why don’t we have American Styling) Anyway I try to look out the window and I see pepe reaching down the front of his pants and itches his junk. I mean even for me that is pretty gross.. But that is not it. He then looks around and takes his hand out and sniffs his fingers. That makes my next comment pretty lame I hope.. Good thing stereotypes aren’t true.
So back to my body functions, So with the time change and everything my body clock is a little off. To put it bluntly when heavy has to go he has to go. So I tried to time my trip to the biff so that I would have the bathroom to myself when I had to “do work”. I felt the need to drop my kids off at the pool so I made a quick trot pinching my be speckled hairy arse. I had made it the hallway with no one in front of me. But No.. I had been working with this other French guy and another German that I did not know at all. They both smiled and told me they had a quick question. Apparently the international face of this big fat bald guy has to lay some cable doesn’t come across to all languages.. So I attempt the just a minute gesture but to no avail they stop me.. I am dying inside my insides are turning inside out.. I start imagining soilent green running down my leg and out on my bowling shoes. I start to sweat. Should I just ease some air out and try and relieve the pressure? No too risky.. I don’t know a good proper way in English, German or French to say that if I don’t take a shit in the next 30 seconds I might explode.. So in mid conversation I just cowboy up and walk toward the bathroom I say nothing.. They look appalled but really at this point I am just doing damage control and all things being considered. I would rather be the rude American than the fat guy who sharted himself in the hallway. I really hated to admit this in the post but I was sort of proud of myself for not having an accident..
I am sorry for representing America to the rest of you out there but It “is what it is” with the big heavy. You can dress me up in a sport coat and bowling shoes but you just hide the fact that I am big bald angry man with more issues than I would ever admit to. Well maybe I will later but one issue at a time.
So I ruined something else.. Remember I describe the beautiful park on the Rhine that I run on.. Well I have just gotten into a nice routine of running there each night. I was carefree and M5 (No need to interpret this?) thinking this has to be the perfect way to get a good workout and enjoy the city and spring weather. So on my third run this week (Just showing off) I am feeling pretty good but I am getting passed on a fairly regular basis by what I consider marathon runners (I do this to make myself feel better about being the slowest distance runner in history) So today I decide no matter what I am not going to get passed by any runner.. I have some old school journey wailing on my pod and I am feeling pretty good.. I have two miles to go and no one has passed me.. But like a flash (everything is like flash to me since most of the time I have sweat burning my eyes) I am passed by this German Chinaman (I am not sure he was German nor he was Chinese but it makes for a better story to say I was passed by a German person of Asian heritage) Back to the story.. Like a flash YouRun (sorry that is just to easy) slips by me and all I can see his light little feet scurrying away from me with nary a mark in the clay in front of me. The Bald Clydesdale has had enough and I start throwing up clay as I clomp behind him. I am not sure if he cares but I know he can hear my giant hooves pounding on the clay behind him. I try to make a quick sprint to catch him but it doesn’t work I make up about three steps and at this point he is a good 50 yds ahead of me.. NO NOT ANYMORE NOT TODAY. (this is insane so role with it if you aren’t IJ) I am not going to be outsourced this time, I am not going to go bald at 23, I am not going to lose to Jackson, I am not going to let Granite Falls beat us, I am not going to dance with three Bills, I am not going to get laid off, I am not going to lose a paper fortune, I am not going to be in IT, I am not going to lose to my nephew in a forty, I am not going crumple up like a cheap suit and blow my hammy, That is it.. I have been holding back for way to long. I zero (too easy sorry) in on YouRun and I feel my hammy and my veal and my MCL barking but not today. I can’t lose this time. If I have to run on my arms I am going to catch YouRun. It takes me 2 miles and I run like I have never run before to catch this guy.. It takes me nearly two miles but I sprint to the finish line believing I have gold spikes on my feet.. I can’t believe it but I catch him and pass him on my way to victory maybe it was the thug eminiem in my ears or some old ability coming out. I a nearly vomit from exhaustion but I do it.. I am not a loser standing in the middle of some German Park halfway across the world panting and holding back vomit and well you know my other issue but I did it..
I really am that pathetic..
But I thought it was worth a blog and it allowed me to forget some of my frustrations at home..
That’s me heavyD out..
4 comments:
Great post.
How is the food and beer?
On a side note, Jlo, I will drive my decrepit, P.O.S. van up to your house in Canada and drag your rumpus to the cabin if need be.
You WILL be there. And you WILL enjoy yourself.
That said, you could hop in the clown car and meet us in the cities where you could get a ride with any one of us.
Peace.
D,
There is a common misconception out there that kids can get away with anything these days, and we as adults have to just sit there and take their crap. I'm not suggesting that you go out and pound the piss out of D's detractors...but consider that God made you and I fat, disgusting, smelly, and generally frightening individuals for good reasons...all we need to do is beat the mean little shits at their own games...
Despite my being the world's biggest pussy in reality, junior assholes and the shitbag parents that raise them seem to miss that about me when they've pissed me off by hurting one of my kids and they see Shrek's more Ogrish cousin drawing scads of flies to their otherwise thin, aromatic existence.
When people have picked on my kids, in particular G or J, I assume they are using a size or developmental advantage to harm my children. As such, I throw a little Old Testament justice their way,and turn into "unpredictable scary lardass guy"...essentially I use a form of refined intimidation, and I specifically target the assholes messing with my kids...I make no threats, I lay no hands on them, I just look at them with a real serious angry face, and show up in places where they don't expect me to show up...like the park across the street from my house when they are playing with their friends...I then simply say in a very serious voice "consider being nicer to _ _ _ _," and then give them a real long hard look...kids seem to get where I'm coming from...and the poor bastards have no idea what to do with my tactics when I come out of nowhere...
The beauty in the whole scheme is the plausible deniability factor that the kids can somewhat grasp, but have no idea how to combat...if a parent ever confronts me, I was just engaged in a reasonable conversation with an older child picking on my DD or younger/weaker child...and the freaky scary looks, etc.,..are a matter of my word against theirs...little bastards apparently understand, occasionally with a little follow-up, that to tell on me garners a conversation with their parents about their mean behavior...so to avoid issues with me...leave my kids the hell alone, and be a bit more kind and respectful...trust me....works every time...but only assuming you don't care about the mean kids or their shit bag parents...
I know...immature as hell, but it beats the sorrow my kids feel when other mess with them, and makes the family life far more bareable from my perspective...plus my kids just seem to sense their Daddy's looking out for them...
IJ,
Send me an MPEG or JPEG, or whatever the Flock...only two things come out of Wisconsin, steers and...
The only reason we live in "Canada" is so we can buy alcohol via a taxi ride, without the Haji's refusing...wait I guess that isn't true anymore either...Oh welI then...it's Aitkin or bust for the northwoods T's...
Missed you and A this past weekend...hope all is well in Peach Canyon...
JLO
Hey dip-shite...how about a new post...let me know how GW turns out, eh?
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