Why I should never leave the U.S.

So the big bald heavy is in Germany again. I started to feel like I had the world by the balls for a minute but as usual life corrects me and brings me down to earth. As I write this my heart is as heavy as it as ever been but I just need to blog something and get my mind off of it. I don’t want to go into a ton of details but D is getting teased and embarrassed at school and is acting out at home so it makes life difficult for my entire family and especially my wife since I am unable to help. I really don’t give much help when I am there anyway but at least I cold be there for my wife.. But oh well such is life and it motivates me to blog so here we go.

This is a really filthy post so skip if you need to ..

So as I have stated several more times than I can count (I have to stop at 21) I have bit of a problem with my body functions. Wait a minute I have to comment on this before I rip on myself again.. I am sitting here watching the sunrise over the steeples in this city but between me and this view is this little suave Frenchmen. It is an odd office here very open but you can’t see who is looking at you at any given point.. (I wonder when they will ever get over this whole European styling thing it must be just a fad.) (Why don’t we have American Styling) Anyway I try to look out the window and I see pepe reaching down the front of his pants and itches his junk. I mean even for me that is pretty gross.. But that is not it. He then looks around and takes his hand out and sniffs his fingers. That makes my next comment pretty lame I hope.. Good thing stereotypes aren’t true.

So back to my body functions, So with the time change and everything my body clock is a little off. To put it bluntly when heavy has to go he has to go. So I tried to time my trip to the biff so that I would have the bathroom to myself when I had to “do work”. I felt the need to drop my kids off at the pool so I made a quick trot pinching my be speckled hairy arse. I had made it the hallway with no one in front of me. But No.. I had been working with this other French guy and another German that I did not know at all. They both smiled and told me they had a quick question. Apparently the international face of this big fat bald guy has to lay some cable doesn’t come across to all languages.. So I attempt the just a minute gesture but to no avail they stop me.. I am dying inside my insides are turning inside out.. I start imagining soilent green running down my leg and out on my bowling shoes. I start to sweat. Should I just ease some air out and try and relieve the pressure? No too risky.. I don’t know a good proper way in English, German or French to say that if I don’t take a shit in the next 30 seconds I might explode.. So in mid conversation I just cowboy up and walk toward the bathroom I say nothing.. They look appalled but really at this point I am just doing damage control and all things being considered. I would rather be the rude American than the fat guy who sharted himself in the hallway. I really hated to admit this in the post but I was sort of proud of myself for not having an accident..

I am sorry for representing America to the rest of you out there but It “is what it is” with the big heavy. You can dress me up in a sport coat and bowling shoes but you just hide the fact that I am big bald angry man with more issues than I would ever admit to. Well maybe I will later but one issue at a time.

So I ruined something else.. Remember I describe the beautiful park on the Rhine that I run on.. Well I have just gotten into a nice routine of running there each night. I was carefree and M5 (No need to interpret this?) thinking this has to be the perfect way to get a good workout and enjoy the city and spring weather. So on my third run this week (Just showing off) I am feeling pretty good but I am getting passed on a fairly regular basis by what I consider marathon runners (I do this to make myself feel better about being the slowest distance runner in history) So today I decide no matter what I am not going to get passed by any runner.. I have some old school journey wailing on my pod and I am feeling pretty good.. I have two miles to go and no one has passed me.. But like a flash (everything is like flash to me since most of the time I have sweat burning my eyes) I am passed by this German Chinaman (I am not sure he was German nor he was Chinese but it makes for a better story to say I was passed by a German person of Asian heritage) Back to the story.. Like a flash YouRun (sorry that is just to easy) slips by me and all I can see his light little feet scurrying away from me with nary a mark in the clay in front of me. The Bald Clydesdale has had enough and I start throwing up clay as I clomp behind him. I am not sure if he cares but I know he can hear my giant hooves pounding on the clay behind him. I try to make a quick sprint to catch him but it doesn’t work I make up about three steps and at this point he is a good 50 yds ahead of me.. NO NOT ANYMORE NOT TODAY. (this is insane so role with it if you aren’t IJ) I am not going to be outsourced this time, I am not going to go bald at 23, I am not going to lose to Jackson, I am not going to let Granite Falls beat us, I am not going to dance with three Bills, I am not going to get laid off, I am not going to lose a paper fortune, I am not going to be in IT, I am not going to lose to my nephew in a forty, I am not going crumple up like a cheap suit and blow my hammy, That is it.. I have been holding back for way to long. I zero (too easy sorry) in on YouRun and I feel my hammy and my veal and my MCL barking but not today. I can’t lose this time. If I have to run on my arms I am going to catch YouRun. It takes me 2 miles and I run like I have never run before to catch this guy.. It takes me nearly two miles but I sprint to the finish line believing I have gold spikes on my feet.. I can’t believe it but I catch him and pass him on my way to victory maybe it was the thug eminiem in my ears or some old ability coming out. I a nearly vomit from exhaustion but I do it.. I am not a loser standing in the middle of some German Park halfway across the world panting and holding back vomit and well you know my other issue but I did it..

I really am that pathetic..

But I thought it was worth a blog and it allowed me to forget some of my frustrations at home..

That’s me heavyD out..

Gone Heavy Fishing

You haven't fished until you have fished for men..or something like that..

Maybe I can be governor as well.. I am a former wrestler, I am bald, I am heavy, I am dumber than virtually every person I meet, I have the English skills of a 5th grader (ok I know what you are saying maybe a 4th grader). I hate our government process, But I am not a Navy Seal nor do I have any charisma, So I will keep doing what I am good at.. Hmm What am I good at again.. Well it is what it is.. So I don't believe I have to go into the whole back story of my recent family outings with my family but they all follow the same formula.. We attempt to get together with the guys in the family and do some male bonding but it usually ends up with someone in the hospital.. So this year the plan was to make the trip to Bemidji and do some fishing. The plan was to have all six of us take one vehicle to save on gas but it turned out that putting six guys in one vehicle and mix in a stop at Craponalds and you will get a fair amount of methane .. I will summarize the trip quickly we arrived the first day and fished in 75 degree weather caught a ton of small northerns and a few walleyes but fishing with my son was priceless.. He must have caught 10-15 pike himself that day.. Which is a blast to watch but creates more work than you can imagine.. See my Dad ,who from our last little adventure has a hand that is not fully recuperated really and wasn't able to take the fish out without a fair amount of wincing and me looking on with the guilt that I was a big part of his hand being in constant pain for the last 7 months.. I had to drive the little 14 foot tiller boat and get off the 30 or so fish we all caught that day.. Actually it worked really well but I was getting a little tired and just a wee bit angry after the tenth time the treble hooks would hook the same spot on my finger.. So all went well the first day.. The second day, not so good.. We woke with the temps in the 40's and the wind was blowing but hey we are tough so we bundled up and took the nicer 16 foot boot that day.. So as we are meandering through the stream on the way to the lake my Dad snares another northern and pulls it to the side of the boat. I am a little sleepy but hey I can still feel the pangs of guilt so I reach down to grab the feisty little snake (that's what she said) but before I get my hand to the fish the fish shakes the rapala and all I can see is hooks coming at my face.. I rear back like a grizzly that finally caught the salmon but instead of salmon it is a orange rapala and instead of a grizzly it is a washed up guilt ridden tomato faced popped balloon looking man thrashing around with a rapula impaled on his nose and his coat locking the great beast into a horrible position of weather to panic and just start pulling since his face really can't look worse or freeze and hope that my one armed bandit father will not try setting the hook and bring in the bald hairy assed fish.. So short story long I tell my dad to freeze and don't move.. Of course there is a boat driving by while the beast was trying to free himself from the three hooked monster but I didn't let that bother me, just facing people each day looking the way I do prepares me for moments like this.. I have a lariat around my neck with a clippers so I cut the line so clubby does not decide to help and drive the barb in any farther.. I start coming up with a plan of how we are going to get to a hospital to get this out but just when I feel the warm blood in my nose.. .. I decided to give the lure a quick jerk to see how deep it was logged inside my nostril and it came out.. My dad thanked me for removing the fish and the nostril hair from his lure and continued fishing with 5 seconds.. I sat in the cold boat the rest of the day with my nose pounding like I had been punched in the face.. So that was it.. My Dad claimed he caught the biggest fish.. So the trip was a success we got to hang out with the guys and really it was fun and there will be no recovery period this time..

Twins..
Still struggling but it is a long season and they will continue to get better they are just lacking a solid homerun threat in the lineup..

Twolves
This is it.. I don't like to consider the odds of whether they will win the lottery I like to consider the odds they will fall farther back then 7th.. If they don't get 1or 2 I would give the pick to the clippers and fold up shop nobody in this draft is in the same category as the top 2..

Guys Weekend..

There has been much discussion but little resolution. We have the date but not the location as far as everybody is concerned. It looks like having at M5's place is a long shot since the group feels that the close location and the physical size of the house prevents us from having our typical guys weekend comradery. JLO you being the most supreme alpha will have to battle this out with HOW and come up with a solution.. IJ and your little bro are non committal and I am on the fence but leaning away from my cabin because it requires work on my part.. JLO you might have to have a summit meeting with HOW and schpeedy and come up with a resolution..

Spidey 3..
The weakest of the three but not a bad film for my three boys.. I will give 2.5 baldies..
Wish me luck k I might attempt a 6 mile run this week to see where I am at..

GO HEAVY or Don't GO at all.

The Rollercoaster

Well I am finally recovered from my rough week of travel… Here is how it went, I arrive home from Germany on Friday (7hours time Difference) and we went straight to the cabin.. We had a ton of things to do up there as well as preparing for opening fishing the next morning.. So I tried to slip on the mash mellow bed (circa 1965.. ) My back hurt so bad my legs where tingling in the 3 hours of sleep I managed to get in.. The next morning my middle son C was too excited he wanted to get out fishing.. I looked outside and it appeared that Antie M was about ready to head to the root cellar but having the guilt of not seeing my kids for a week I managed to get the boat in the water and start fishing.. I ended up pounding my cheeks up down as we road thee 2 foot white caps for most of the day.. If I came from the lake my wife would have other tasks that she wanted me to do or my other boys would want me to play catch or wrestle or whatever.. By the end of the day I looked like Billy Joel give or take a few years.. (Have you seen that guy lately.. Yeah he aged nicely.. He doesn't need hair.. He looks like a bald wood tick.. He and I have a lot in common..) My in-laws arrived later in the day which meant that the mash mellow bed was not in my plans for the night it was going to be worse.. So I melded with the couch and dog hair for a blissful 3 hours of continuous slumber.. I know this is boring but so is my life continue reading/living I have to.. So needless to say I woke up sore angry bitter and bald… Life was getting back to normal.

We had to rush home from the cabin so I had to load the boat while trying to avoid the cows spinning above my head, man I hate loading a boat in a cross wind and I hate trying to hurry it as well as your wife looks on like you go to some class as guy for how to load a boat.. I get so angry and worked up that with my waiters on and my head turning purple I am like floating falic symbol bobbing out of the water.. So we threw the kids in the van and rushed home.. On the way home we where talking about getting the dog again and we pretty much decided it would have to wait until the summer months.. But two minutes later we saw a sign and we had welcomed another member to our family.. This is all good since I really am much happier/comfortable when I am angry.. Not sure what IJ called that syndrome but I am sure he will put it in a comment.

Why did we get a dog..
This is a boring depressing part but I need to get it off my chest and it is all part of the roller coaster..
I know I have talked about my son D in the past so there is no need for background story. But as he is getting older he is starting to plateau on what he is able to do.. Which is incredibly difficult for him and even more difficult for me.. We where just informed that some of the other programs that we are paying for are not going to be possible if he does not show more improvement.. So to either distract him or me subconsciously we got the puppy.. The puppy is so much work right now I can't believe people would do anything this insane for an animal.. But short story long D spends nearly every waking minute training/playing with the puppy.. My heart breaks each time I see him holding the dog.. I hope it is enough to distract him from this difficult time or in some way push him to reach his full potential.. At 1:00 AM and 5:00AM I was cleaning shit out of the crate and at that point I could have cared less what the dog meant to anybody but I am big softy emotionally and physically so I just keep doing it in hopes that it will get better..

Ok.. Enough of the depressing crap..
I will try to make this brief.. But each year we have the elementary musical which has not and will never change. The kindergarten kids stand on risers and sing and beat this sticks to rhythm and the 1st grader get up and they play the tambourines.. Yada Yada.. Well they pack about a thousand Wisconites into an old gymnasium to witness this event each year. It was about 98.6 degrees this year in the upper bleachers so all you could smell was Winston's and day old miller lite as they wedged us in against the other nylon green and gold clad parents and grandparents. My kids as usual looked for way not to be seen with there parents, immediately darted for any kid they knew in the bleachers so as not to sit next to one angry hot bald man.. My wife smiled and pretended not to be with me so her old high school classmates would think she was alone. But as luck would have it we where positioned next to my wife's boss at the school.. My wife realized the mistake and tried to make the best o of it by introducing me in hopes that she would pity her for the rest of the school year. Oh you poor thing it looks like you had to settle. He must be a great dad (That is a nice way of saying you have a hideous spouse in hope that it will comfort spouses who obviously outclasses there spouse.) The lady smiles as she introduces me and does what people do when they approach something they can stand.. Oh you look like (They bring up any bald guy they know.. Sort of like I have lots of gay friends) I wanted to come back with you look just like Ruth Fuzzy for my own reasons but in the end I smile and say oh that is interesting (like the hair on my back) .. So anyway the concert continues with all of the kids getting on the risers looking like deer stuck in the headlights and we all smile and clap since we know this will be all over soon.. Then the third class is brought up where C is standing up on the end. (that is important later.) They sing the song and C has a couple friend hanging on him and he is getting pretty comfortable. Well too comfortable.. When the second song starts he makes some room on the risors for him self and he starts doing the robot dance followed by a whole lot dancing choreagraphy and hand motions to the lyrics to the song.. Everyone that we know in the crowd is looking back at beauty and the baldy and is wondering what is wrong with this kid (he is the closet to thing to normal that I got).. C finishes his routine as the song ends and as we enjoy the moment for a bit while pretending it bothers us cause really with everything else going on this is nothing.. C throws kisses to the crowd as exits.. Not sure what the future holds for that kid but we are sure enjoying the roller coaster ride that gives us..
Weight and workout are doing great I am still not healthy with my knee but "it is what it is" when you are nearing 40...
I guess that is it for the day..
Heavy Out

Running on the Rhine

Another post from Germany( I can't sleep) . What is new heavy? Are you angry about anything? Today I am feeling very reflective.. I am not sure if that is an appropriate use of the word and nor do I care.. So let's just reflect back a few years. My wife was 8 months pregnant with my third child, I had just been let go from my old job that left me scrambling for a job that would cover my medical expenses, never mind that this job was supposed to be the job that freed me from being a cubicle rat for the rest of my life.

I found a job working at a nuclear plant. (Insert your own Homer Simpson joke here) There was no place for the contractor sit so I was stuffed into the computer room of the plant. The room was poorly lit and littered with Circa 1970's servers seriously you can't make this up.. I was seated with my back to the servers which kept the room at a balmy 90 degrees. The fan noise in the room prevented any meaningful phone conversation. I had been hollered at by a man that looked like his face was made of playdoh that I was not to drink diet coke in the computer room. The depression/funk that I was in could not be described.. I ran to the only thing that could make this better.. Like an angel (another contractor was hired to help me with the horridly tedious task that I was assigned) when he entered the room it was like a fluorescent eclipse all the light was blocked from my eyes.. This young guy was about 6'6 with a 13 lb shadow.. As all men of that ilk he introduced himself to me when I as talking my caffeine break..(you can't make this up.. it was like a smoke break only it was a liquid drug break.) As he was draining his liter bottle of Mountain Dew and I was attempting to inject the diet coke into my arm. He looked at my 10lb shadow and said "have you found a good place to eat around here".. He knew the answer but out of respect you just don't look at a fat guy and say "Boy I bet you know where to eat.." (Quick travel hint: If you are confused or in foreign territory follow a big man he will guide you to a good meal) Well anyway as I wiped the tears from eyes, "I said I have heard that the Casino has a pretty good buffet" (I knew the entire staff) . He an I became fast friends and my weight approached a level that I really never thought I could achieve.

It has taken me nearly 6 years to recover from that situation. Yesterday I walked home from a long day of working at this office overlooking the city of Dusseldorf, the weather was a perfect 70 degrees.. I went up to my room at the Hilton relaxed for a few minutes on the most comfortable bed and comforter I have ever been exposed to. I then slipped on my running gear and pod.. I ran(waddled) through the city streets before arriving at this beautiful park along the Rhine river. The park extends for miles along the river.. They have these running/biking paths that are lined with flowering trees.. It was by far the most enjoyable run I have ever had.. I can't believe how great I felt as I was passing the kids in strollers and couples enjoying the gorgeous evening.. I did manage to stumble in front of college age kids who got a good chuckle watching me trying to catch my balance and support my huge bald cranium. I am still probably going to be a cube rat for the rest of my career but at least now I can drink coke light at my desk and I can see daylight from my desk and I have managed to work my weight down to a 7 lb shadow. I hope I never have to go through that again but I guess it makes where I am now feel so much better.. The big heavy is actually feeling happy and I think I could get use to it..

Book
Ij recommended that I read the "The Road".. I guess my review is simple I picked up the book and in one flight I finished the book and I can't stop thinking about it.. It is this horribly depressing story about a father and son trying to survive in a situation that is described in a detail and style that is so beautifully told that you wish it wasn't describing the horrific situation that they where in. The relationship between the two of them is so gripping and warm that it will make you cherish ever minute you have with your own kids.. Anyway this book is difficult to recommend since it is just so depressing.. I will give this the highest rating I have since I don't think I will come across another book like this again. 4 out of 4 baldies.. Just don't expect this to be a nice happy easy read..

Vikings
I loved the draft but I am not sure you wanted to here another draft grade from me but if you do holler and I will post my thoughts..

My head is bald the beer is cold

HeavyD Out..