Why did I run a marathon..
The race was really icing on the cake.. I am sure I have discussed this before but I really struggled with dealing with Chuck's death.. There is no way to describe it other than I was really disappointed in that I have not done anything to show how much my big brother meant to me. I did not do anything.. I did not speak at the funeral.. It is just hard for me to tell people how big a whole he left in my life.. I have never really tried to fill it with anything because the emptiness I feel I don't want to ever loose.
So as I began running which I had done numerous times over the years and even after he died I would run like crazy for a month and then quit.. I just couldn't do it my feet felt like they where going to rupture my legs would hurt.. I would find away to stop running.. Something changed when I began the run this time.. First of all I started finding things in my life that I couldn't do because I was too "old".. I was not too old I was too out of shape and fat as a house..
And I started walking everyday.. I started running very short distances and when my legs hurt I took a day off.. And then I use to say I will try and get a run in sometime during that day that is all B.S. The only way was is to get out of bed stumble down the stairs stick my stumps in the best running shoes that money can buy and start rolling with IJ's music selections in my ear. I am asleep running.. It is done for the day.. That got me started.. But I never got the running high .. I never felt good running.. I was half asleep but it was work and painful and horrible.. I talked to BS and his only advice is just shut up and run. He was right it took almost 6 months of running a minimum of 4 times a week. And then I started realizing that there where turkey's,Deer, Sunrises.. I was not thinking about each step it was like going for a slow walk I wasn't breathing hard anymore my legs didn't hurt.. I became a runner.. I liked going for a run..
When I run I think about life it gives me some time to enjoy my life and make sure that I appreciate what I have.. It also gives me time to reflect back and think about all of the great times I have had in my life and the amazing people that I have come across in my life and specifically it gives me some time to think about Chuck and what fun it was to be a part of his life and how much fun those times where I would tell him something about my life and he would listen and make fun of me for worrying or whatever.. He would always say something like "at least you don't live in a shed by yourself".. He never let me worry about the small things in life he always kept reminding me to keep my on the prize. I wanted tell him something because I wanted him to be proud of me or let him know how much I needed his feedback on things.. Chuck was authentic he had a ton of issues but at the end of the day or in his case the end of his life he was authentic he was real.. There was no grey with Chuck if you wanted to know his opinion he would jam it down your throat.. I hope some of those good things rubbed off on me..
So as I am running one day and laughing to myself about what us brothers did with our dad we would always hold up 4 fingers and rub the skin on our arm and wave to each other when passing in a car or driving by on a tractor or working on the golf course. Then an idea rattled around in my head what if I could do something around that to pay tribute or at least do something.. It was my way of saying "You are still here" it was statement for my family it was me to try to express how much he still means to me.. The four is great in that it is an inside joke that our family shares we had four guys in our house I have four guys in my house.. And the other is to say for Chuck.. So I thought about it and it motivated me to do something that no one thought I could do.. I could drag my fat ass for 26.2 miles.. I could for 4.5 hours shout to thousands of people that I am doing this for Chuck and my family.. So I waited for a few months as I started making my runs longer and longer and seeing if I could really do it before I would tell anyone..
I told my wife about 5 months later my idea about the shirt and why I was running the Marathon.. Her and no one else.. It was something that we talked about and it really pushed me to stay on training.. It is also the only reason I could do it.. I am not a quitter but my body was not designed to be marathoner.. But as usual I am an idiot and I didn't know that when you put a name on your shirt people think it is your name.. Which turned out to be the coolest thing of all.
So for 4.5 hours people cheered and kept saying come on Chuck you can do it.. Keep going Chuck.. Way to go Chuck.. I had my Fu on my face for the race and shaved my head like normal so I really looked like Chuck and the side affect I have is people are cheering for him not me.. That was it.. I got what I wanted.. I don't need anyone to cheer for me I wanted people to think/cheer for my brother.. I Will blog about the race real soon but I accomplished what I wanted I paid tribute to Chuck.
I ran 4 chuck..
Heavy D rolling.. Out
The race was really icing on the cake.. I am sure I have discussed this before but I really struggled with dealing with Chuck's death.. There is no way to describe it other than I was really disappointed in that I have not done anything to show how much my big brother meant to me. I did not do anything.. I did not speak at the funeral.. It is just hard for me to tell people how big a whole he left in my life.. I have never really tried to fill it with anything because the emptiness I feel I don't want to ever loose.
So as I began running which I had done numerous times over the years and even after he died I would run like crazy for a month and then quit.. I just couldn't do it my feet felt like they where going to rupture my legs would hurt.. I would find away to stop running.. Something changed when I began the run this time.. First of all I started finding things in my life that I couldn't do because I was too "old".. I was not too old I was too out of shape and fat as a house..
And I started walking everyday.. I started running very short distances and when my legs hurt I took a day off.. And then I use to say I will try and get a run in sometime during that day that is all B.S. The only way was is to get out of bed stumble down the stairs stick my stumps in the best running shoes that money can buy and start rolling with IJ's music selections in my ear. I am asleep running.. It is done for the day.. That got me started.. But I never got the running high .. I never felt good running.. I was half asleep but it was work and painful and horrible.. I talked to BS and his only advice is just shut up and run. He was right it took almost 6 months of running a minimum of 4 times a week. And then I started realizing that there where turkey's,Deer, Sunrises.. I was not thinking about each step it was like going for a slow walk I wasn't breathing hard anymore my legs didn't hurt.. I became a runner.. I liked going for a run..
When I run I think about life it gives me some time to enjoy my life and make sure that I appreciate what I have.. It also gives me time to reflect back and think about all of the great times I have had in my life and the amazing people that I have come across in my life and specifically it gives me some time to think about Chuck and what fun it was to be a part of his life and how much fun those times where I would tell him something about my life and he would listen and make fun of me for worrying or whatever.. He would always say something like "at least you don't live in a shed by yourself".. He never let me worry about the small things in life he always kept reminding me to keep my on the prize. I wanted tell him something because I wanted him to be proud of me or let him know how much I needed his feedback on things.. Chuck was authentic he had a ton of issues but at the end of the day or in his case the end of his life he was authentic he was real.. There was no grey with Chuck if you wanted to know his opinion he would jam it down your throat.. I hope some of those good things rubbed off on me..
So as I am running one day and laughing to myself about what us brothers did with our dad we would always hold up 4 fingers and rub the skin on our arm and wave to each other when passing in a car or driving by on a tractor or working on the golf course. Then an idea rattled around in my head what if I could do something around that to pay tribute or at least do something.. It was my way of saying "You are still here" it was statement for my family it was me to try to express how much he still means to me.. The four is great in that it is an inside joke that our family shares we had four guys in our house I have four guys in my house.. And the other is to say for Chuck.. So I thought about it and it motivated me to do something that no one thought I could do.. I could drag my fat ass for 26.2 miles.. I could for 4.5 hours shout to thousands of people that I am doing this for Chuck and my family.. So I waited for a few months as I started making my runs longer and longer and seeing if I could really do it before I would tell anyone..
I told my wife about 5 months later my idea about the shirt and why I was running the Marathon.. Her and no one else.. It was something that we talked about and it really pushed me to stay on training.. It is also the only reason I could do it.. I am not a quitter but my body was not designed to be marathoner.. But as usual I am an idiot and I didn't know that when you put a name on your shirt people think it is your name.. Which turned out to be the coolest thing of all.
So for 4.5 hours people cheered and kept saying come on Chuck you can do it.. Keep going Chuck.. Way to go Chuck.. I had my Fu on my face for the race and shaved my head like normal so I really looked like Chuck and the side affect I have is people are cheering for him not me.. That was it.. I got what I wanted.. I don't need anyone to cheer for me I wanted people to think/cheer for my brother.. I Will blog about the race real soon but I accomplished what I wanted I paid tribute to Chuck.
I ran 4 chuck..
Heavy D rolling.. Out
1 comment:
You are awesome - way to go! You are an inspiration not just to Chuck, but to all of us.
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