Wedding Recap

I will try not to embellish this account.. But it seems to bad to be true..I know the wedding is going to be stressful since all of them are to the family members involved.. I say that... But as a man I have never been nervous or tense at a wedding unless I am an usher..(Cut to 1990 and I am on my hands and knees in front of a church( we will call "Trinity" for this tale) on a cold December evening. I am poised with the other C friends of the groom being harped on by the brides mother to get the 100 or so odd candles lit in bags lining the walk. As the soot covers my third degree burns while lighting the 37th bag I wonder why I paid a 100 dollars to be in this wedding.. no make that around the wedding because you aren't in the wedding party the ushers just look like they are.. sort of like the waiters or a butler.. Or when you are a son in law.. Easy heavy.. But hey JLO it was worth it I might my first wife that night.. ) Ok so I don't want to stress my wife or anyone else out but I tell them to not worry about my three kids that morning..

Ouch how do you get three boys fed,showered,and in tuxes and arrive at the church at 12:15 looking perfect.. To make this short story long I managed to feed the kids early... washing them up quickly.. and getting the cuff links in as they jumped in the van.. I side benefit was I was able to use there tears to wet down their hair before I combed it. (Not a fun thing to stress the big heavy out) Oh.. I forget I also had to pour myself into a suit and shave the top half of my body.. No I didn't shave my chest or armpits.. Wait a minute what's left .. Well I figure I would eliminate anything that would restrict me being able to fit in my suit pants..Ohh bad mental picture… But wait I had this amazing moment apparently the stress of trying to find a new job made me more porcine than usual my suit pants were lose on me.. So I took out this circa 1995 tie and strapped it around my polish sausage neck just allow my bulbous bald head to pop out the top.. Basically I look like a walking falic symbol… But I feel great because my pants are loose.. I arrive to church on time before any other groomsmen but hey I feel like I climbed Everest.. One of the guys says he was a little late with having to get his tux on and all.. I thought about tackling him to the ground and beating him with his shiny rental shoes but I just laughed. I said hi to my wife in front of most of the groomsmen (she looked amazing in her dress) Most of the groomsmen gave me the look of oh well you must have been somewhat attractive at what point in your life to get her .. But hey you can't be good looking and smart.. Wait a minute please read all previous post.. Strike two…

I hurry the kids into the church before they get dirty on my watch.. But I am stopped by the Personal A or whatever they call the women ushers.. Anyway she says you must be Pat.. (Oh I would love to know the description they had for me) Yes he will be the happy athletic guy that bring his kids to the church. Anyway.. Too Easy.. So she says could you help me since your probably not busy keeping your kids from playing in the Catholic holy water can you help me do the only thing I have to do today.. I say sure because I am married and am never allowed to say " no I am kinda busy right now".. So I go out to her car and she says can you lift this cooler out and bring it in the church.. " Ok I will" but as I am rolling it along with my self up the stairs to the church she hands me two glass jello bowls to balance in my free hand. I guess her satchel and the bag of chips was quite a load for her to carry.. So as I balance the door and hurry the cooler into the church the entire cooler spills out.. Spilling the non blessed water out in the front of the church.. We are talking a lot of water and cans of pop and water bottles and everything else..I fall to my knees without the aid of the pew kneeler and so as not to drop the Jello bowls and start throwing the cans in before the wedding party sees this mess.. The PA comes in right as I am picking up the cans and says wow how did that happened and proceeds through into the church without even stopping to help me. I don't panic I let the anger simmer as not to freak the wedding party out.. So I quickly run through the church hoping not to run into anything or anybody I shouldn't looking for a mop or something to get this huge mess cleared up before the wedding begins.. So three alter boy closets later I stumble on the mop and rush through the church and mop up the mess roll up the mats in the front and I happened to tear my hand up on the mop handle.. Let's just say I was about to explode when I rushed the broom back the closet.. I ran back to see if anybody might need more help and come up with excuses for the water dripped throughout the church..

Ohh this was not enough they assigned my two oldest boys the junior usher the duty of giving out programs to everyone.. Seem simple enough but apparently there was not enough programs for everyone to have.. So they want my kids to only give one program per couple or family.. Well my kids had a hard time determining who should get what so I was told to supervise them and by the way try and get some action shots.. It got to the point where the old ladies where pulling programs from my kids because they wanted one for themselves and their husband.. In the grand scheme of things I think they might want to think about getting enough 5 cent programs for everyone.. I could go on but I did a ton of things to make sure that things went smoothly and my kids didn't take away from the day for everyone else.. So the day after the wedding my wife and mother in-law look at me and say did you get any pictures of the boys handing out programs.. "I'm sorry I didn't have the camera on me then" Oh that would have been nice.. They look away disappointed.. As usual then.. So that turned out good…

I love weddings..



TWINS.. THE BEST SEASON EVER… Enough Said..

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