Ok.. Ok.. The big heavy is in the house.. So I rush to get on the last express bus which really starts my morning and the large Jamaican women next to me out right.. She now smells of ganga rum and swassy Dockers.. So I quickly drown out on the noise of two loud Spanish women across from me.. I can't tell what they are saying but I hope the other women is asking where she get her face waxed because this women has a five o'clock shadow at 7:00 I am thinking she could grow a better foo than me.. Yep she could.. Before I can drown out the spanish I have Betty and Ruth (who are seeing people for the first time since the holiday weekend they spent soaking there corns and watching jeopardy and shooing fly's off there egg salad sandwiches hoping someone from her family will take here to the fair ).. Well Ruth is massaging ruths ear drum with discussions on the rise and fall of gas prices and the amount of traffic on the highway today.. The music has finally kicked in.. Why does betty have those old lady shoes that are flesh/bandaid colored are they are try to make people believe they don't have shoes on.. Easy Heavyd you need time to vent it has been awhile.. Thank you Bern I can't hear it any longer.. Now on to more important things.. Well as I am fading off to sleep I start thinking of my fantasy football team..I really don't think we have enough fantasy games out there.. So I really think I should add something to it..
Fantasy Life
Ok we need to start with some simple goals.. The goal is to make it as many years into your life as possible while having a modicum of enjoyable days along the way.. You have to at start one inlaw, one parent, one wife, 2 kids, and 3 variable items that contribute to a short life.. I will explain this further.. Your options are one, a wife that tolerates you, wife that loves out of pity, wife that ignores you… I would draft the pity wife early pity doesn't come cheap.. Inlaws you have to start a mother in law that hates you, ignores you, wishes you where something else, avoids you at any cost, tolerates you because she is duty bound ( Just a hint don't draft this position early all of them take a tremendous toll on your life span other than the hate because you really know where they stand.. Ok you can go the other route and draft a father in law this can be real tricky since you have some real draft busts here.. Father in Law that does no wrong.. (Here is the killer this can flip the loving wife into hating you since you really don't compare here.) Know it all Father in law.. This is a safe mid round pick they make you feel like an idiot which for me puts me on even keel which doesn't take a whole lot of years off.. The kid are picking is tough do you go with 2 boys 2 girls and what age I mean the smart money says that you go with 1 of each at age 6 months so your wife isn't bugging you about having more kids but that means you can't go anywhere or do anything which can up your variable item which is eating which can take off at 25 years at the pace I am at.. This is tough choose wisely.. The other draft items are parents.. No that is too deep for this draft.. How about the variable items.. Here is a few examples.. History of Diabetes in the Family, History of Heart Problems in the family, History of Cancer… wait a minute I might have to take all of these.. I would go with prostate cancer it seems to be a slow killer so you should be safe here.. But see there you might have to get the surgery that can create swing the loving wife into the bitter neglected wife..
What is wrong with me.. I want to delete everything I just said but hey its me it is my worthless blog..
I am in a great mood but the travels of the big Heavy might be going oversees..
Beer Brats wait a minute
Don't Hate
4 comments:
D,
Wife-wise...I'd go with the smarter, better looking, better paid, better educated, more compassionate, more loving, low- maintenance as long as you're not cheating/doing heavy drugs/unemployed/physically abusive, etc. type of guy, that'll love you up despite your ill-scented girth and low income earnings/general disgustingness.
...check
Mother-in-law...you know my predicament...any of your options beat my circumstances here...by exponents, yo!!!
Father-in-law...same deal
Parents...G&M-T nothing to fault here...solid, as I am round and poorly hung...
Kids...If you don't have a least one with a 140 I.Q. and anger issues, one who's a flirt and wants to be a Barbie Doll, one who'd trip over her feet if she only had one, one who's 21st chromosome has an extra friend, making her as potty trainable as...well...let's just say not trainable at all, one with vision problems, and who likes hysterics in restaurants so much that he creates a chain reaction among the rest of the tribe that makes me, Chief Butterpants, want to do violence...serious buttockal violence...yet somehow I restrain myself...then you've not really lived...
New category..."Friend Draft"...fat, poor, dumb, unmotivated,...wait...I'm projecting....interested in movies, hunting, hockey (or some other gay sports like basketball, baseball, etc. if absolutely necessary), food (not wheatgerm, etc. but steak, pizza, etc.), over sensitive, understimulated, non-political, hates the ACLU and France, and above all likes thicker, natural women who'll tolerate our crap...
Cool topic D,
JLO
Addendum...
oops...under paragraph #1, "/physically abusive, etc. type of guy" means:
woman who will tolerate you as long as you are not...above quote!
the above quote does not describe the type of guy I'd be interested in. I re-read this, and was more than a little disturbed in my poor editing of this paragraph, prior to posting.
Although...Damn D...If I was...he'd know the meaning of McNerlin, yo!!!
JLO
We are all fortunate to have the fantastic spouses that we have.
Mine especially who is caring, kind and also willing to put up with my many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many flaws, as I am so constantly reminded.
(is THIS post O.K. honey?)...she will read this and I will pay.
I'll trade my second and third rounders for the hot wife who is heiress to the O'Henry candy bar fortune, who has parents that have convinced her any man that can finish a monster burger is king.
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